I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
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This 4th of July, please remember…
He took my last fry, your honor
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
live long and prosper!
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun