Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
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Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!