Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
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Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say