*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
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If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”