[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
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All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
seems fine
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I think I’ll stand
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold