My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
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“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.