Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
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Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…