I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
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I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
My neck, my back, my…
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.