My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
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hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Art by Pastelkatto
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.