Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
You Might Also Like
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.