I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
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I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
True
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
he was correct
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*