ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
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Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I can’t wait!
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”