And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
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ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit