Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
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You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
ouch
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.