I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
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I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Namaste
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious