People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
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guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.