What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
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Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Florida be like…
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me