They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
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[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.