To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
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olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I had to Stop for this
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?