Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
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Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Many hands make light work
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Love this one 😂🧟