In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
You Might Also Like
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma