(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
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If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible