I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
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My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
won’t smith
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No