Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
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Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I’m about to risk it all
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
#CatsOnTwitter
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
That’s fair
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.