Cinematography is my passion
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My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Rambo Rambow
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs