8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
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*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.