Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
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Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
all bases covered
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Pretty much! 😂👀
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.