I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
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We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me