You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
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No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.