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quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Human are so complicated
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
me linking you to my twitter
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem