no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
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Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old