So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
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If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
When you kidnap a writer.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back