They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
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I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
new wife guy just dropped
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.