ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
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The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
the battle rages on
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire