My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
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Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.