Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
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[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good