Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
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Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report