[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
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At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
#math
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group