Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
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Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”