And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
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[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.