Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
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Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?