I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
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wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now