I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
You Might Also Like
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Hot Hot Hot
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are