Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
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Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Cats (2019)
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.