No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
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Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Batman v Dracula
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!