*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
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Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
What an awful time to have common sense.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name