Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
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Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.