may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
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[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate