I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
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Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*