Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
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*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Sheep
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
(Electricians.)
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.